Good Morning From NecroCorps!

Dear NecroCorps Family Member,

February is Palliative Care Month at NecroCorps, and you know what that means!

HUGE SAVINGS!

NecroCorps Research and Development scientists have been working hard over the past year, and we are proud to offer you a variety of new mortality-solutions for those awkward end-of-life moments.

Orifice Plugs

Studies have shown that soon-to-be-bereaved relatives react negatively to incontinence of feces and urine, and to drooling. These quality orifice plugs are "just what the doctor ordered"! Precision-milled from medical-grade transluscent polymer, in several exciting colors, they are ergonomically designed to gently but firmly obstruct any bodily orifice and stop the flow of unsightly fluids. Pack of 10.

Smile Helmet

Who hasn't heard a friend say, "she just didn't know when to go."  Too many Americans meet their makers with a bitter frown on their lips, unreconciled to the temporality of all things. But there's no reason for Gramma to bring down the whole family with the cumulative vitriol of six decades' wasted life! The Smile Helmet gently adheres to the corners of the mouth, using the same technology that allows geckos to cling to glass, and draws them into a pre-set beatific smile. Leave the Smile Helmet on after death, and rigor mortis will guarantee that special someone looks like she's in a better place when the relatives come filing by!

Fun Lethal Virus Demonstration Kit

No doctor likes to break bad news, and there is no magic solution to this difficult area of practice. But the Fun Lethal Virus Demonstration Kit is close! Show your patients what is happening to their beleagured cells...and give them a head massage at the same time! Your patients will laugh out loud.

Fetor Eliminator

Many diseases, such as end-stage liver disease, produce characteristic, unpleasant odors on the breath. Distal bowel obstruction can even cause the regurgitation of fecal material through the mouth! Avoid this embarassing phenomenon with the Fetor Eliminator. It's carbon-mesh filtering system removes smelly particles from exhaled air, so that Uncle Frank, whose habits finally caught up with him, will go to meet his Maker smelling like roses instead of St. Ides Malt Liquor.

The Death Rattle Silencer

Need we say more? Who wants to hear that last gurgle?

"Turtles Don't Matter" Turtle Prosthesis

Studies of small children have shown that the pet whose death affects them least emotionally is the turtle. And aren't we all kids at heart...just a little? Strap your dying patients into the "Turtles Don't Matter" Turtle Prosthesis for instant detachment.

Brain Sucker

There are few things more wrenching than talking to an intelligent, well-oriented person who knows they are going to die soon. This handy gizmo is the answer. Small enough to fit in a lab-coat pocket, it uses eight boring stainless steel trocars to penetrate the skull, then applies microwave radiation directly to the cerebreal cortex, quickly and hygienically obliterating personality and awareness. You'll be more objective when your patient is an object!

Fake Pulse Oximeter

This is the carefully crafted replica based on real pulse oximeters used in top-tier American hospitals like the Clevelend Clinic and Massachusetts General, and lovingly cast in archival-quality, acid-free designer resin. The only difference is, with the Fake Pulse Oximeter your patients will always have an oxygen saturation of 97%! Don't let your patients loved ones down with a beeping monitor - attach a Fake Pulse Oximeter to your terminal patients today.

Cachexia-B-Gone Prosthesis

This handy gadget takes its inspiration from the silicone implants used to replace breasts removed by mastectomy - except the Cachexia-Be-Gone prosthesis is designed for patients with metastatic, terminal cancer. This group of patients are usually terribly wasted from their disease, and relatives find this distressing. So simply unpackage the sterile "body-supplementer", inflate, and apply for an instantly helathy look.


As always, we at NecroCorps know you have a choice among outlets of the medico-industrial complex, and we appreciate your business.

Fond Regards,

Schemendemen J. Feltschnapper, MD
Director of Medical Sales
NecroCorps Headquarters, Milwaukee WI

All images from www.skymall.com.  These statments have not been evaluated by the FDA.